Capacities
Test shots with the sister!
My family got to spend April 15-17 at Palawan! We stayed at Puerto Princesa’s Sheridan Beach Resort :’) It was great because seeing that everyone was relatively free, we all finally got the chance to bond! It was a much-needed getaway since we don’t get to spend a lot of time together in Manila, so I’m really grateful for the experience. I finally marveled at the underground river (now I get why so many people go there, it was insane), went through the mangroves (which, I must admit, was slightly terrifying) and experienced my first zipline ride (see also: death). I got to experience and learn a lot of new things, but ultimately created new memories with the people I love ♡ #KESO
Well, technically my break starts now. As of 10:40pm of December 18, 2011, I can finally say that I am officially on Christmas break!
November was too long and the first half of December was filled with too much stress- physically, mentally and emotionally. That being said, the holiday stress doesn’t mean that I love this season any less; plus the fact that Christmas is fast approaching is what has been keeping me alive ♥ That, and a few other things… but that’s another story.
It’s 7 days ‘til Christmas and I can say too, right now, that I am happy. :)
Economics was never my favorite subject. I hardly even understand what we talk about in class, so I resort to spending an hour and a half staring blankly into space or scribbling/doodling (scriboodling? what) in my notebook.
Sometimes though, you learn that you have to get past the hate when it teaches you something. The same way Math does for some, it gets through to you like a car crash- almost instantly and unexpectedly. You learn something you didn’t expect to learn and in turn, you think that maybe it’s not as bad as you thought it was in the first place.
Our professor started out his lecture talking about people and their expectations from the government. He went on to say that the problem with society is that people always expect, and in turn, they forget that these expectations almost always turn out to be different from what will actually happen. He did have a point. People do tend to forget, as much as they commit the same mistake time and time again, that expectations are completely different from reality.
A saying goes, “Forgive and forget.” This is terribly flawed because one, forgetting is technically defined as putting something out of one’s mind. As much as we want to, we don’t actually forget the hurt we go through. People tend to repress everything they don’t want to remember, so they just put in the box and leave it stored somewhere at the back of their minds. And two, if you really love someone, you do not forget the mistakes you make. Ever. Because in doing so, you avoid the risk of making the same mistake again.
More often than not, we believe in “Forgive and forget,” which is why most of us end up dismayed and disappointed at not having met expectations. Getting hurt makes us want to forget, which is why we repress the memory and keep ourselves from remembering; but getting hurt is not reason enough for us to make the same mistakes. The hurt is a reminder that we are alive and that despite everything that we go through, we are still capable of feeling something.
We tend to forget that expectations unmet could lead to disappointments. We like to think that everything’s going to turn out fine, when in fact there is a 50-50 chance that it will. But then again, maybe there’s nothing wrong with expectations. You could look at it as the dark road leading you down the path of disappointment, resentment, and all those other negative feelings that will leave you in pieces OR you could see it as that tiny glimmer in the dark. Either way, we should all know when enough is enough- which is altogether an entirely different story.
As for my Economics class, I got lost thinking about this whole thing after our professor went on talking about expectations. I didn’t fall in love with Econ after that particular day in class, but I guess it was enough to think about how I should give it a chance. Obviously he was talking about an entirely different thing, but then again, taking something and putting it in a different context does make a difference.
Usually, I know what I want to say and when I want to say it. I’m well aware of the fact that whenever I’m overflowing with feelings, I could write about them as easy as it is to breathe.
Writing to you, though- that’s another story. I choke. I realized this as I started writing to you again after such a long time. For some reason, I can never find the right words to express everything I wish I could tell you.
But then again, maybe words will never be enough. Probably because there are no words that have the ability to carry the emotional weight the same way my heart does.
Because sometimes all we really need is a reality check
I guess you could say that seeing letters or pictures again after a long time still hurt because I’ve been desperately holding on to the memory attached to each one of them. It was never about the object. It has always been about the memory.
Fear holds us back. Fear of loss, fear of not knowing what’s going to happen next. It amplifies all the hurt and suffering, leaving us trapped and unfulfilled. Don’t get me wrong, holding on to certain memories is fine. It’s fine to look back every now and then. But sometimes holding on to the memory is what’s holding us back. We kill ourselves just to keep a memory alive.
Life is unfair because everyone (and I mean everyone) has to deal with loss. Letting go is something that was never easy for anyone. It’s not easy to let go of a thing, a person, or even so, a memory. We hold on to things that had some kind of value at some point in our lives, but in order to grow and truly achieve freedom, we have to learn to let go.
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Che:
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS FALLLL =))))
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Esty:
KASALANAN KO BANG WALANG SUMASALO SA AKIN!?!
Because a huge (and probably the biggest) chapter of my life is about to come to a close, I think it’s time for me to blog about this. So here goes:
Having to go through a really difficult childhood, I grew up believing that everything slips away. Sure, I believed in happy endings, but that was a problem- the concept of forever is something I find so vague, that it becomes more impossible than it is probable. This is why I’ve always believed that everything, no matter how good or bad, has to have an ending.
And as the cliché goes, every ending has a new beginning.
I have a (half) sister. For those who don’t know, we met back when we were in gradeschool, thinking we were probably distant cousins. It wasn’t until high school that we realized that we had the same father and.. things have been one hell of a ride since then.
Most of our high school existence was about keeping our secret safe so our mothers wouldn’t know what we knew, going as far as changing surnames every time one visits the other. It was a huge load to carry at the time; but as what happens with most (if not all) secrets, the truth eventually came out.
Our moms actually handled the news a lot better than we had expected. They didn’t freak out or anything, they both replied (in separate occasions) that they already knew. Just like that. It felt like delivering what you thought was the funniest joke in the universe then finding out that the one you’re talking to already knew the punchline. That was how anticlimactic the revelation was, but I’m not complaining or anything because it spared us from being faced with a wide range of potentially awkward situations.
We’ve been living in this our-moms-know-but-they’re-still-not-talking-to-each-other-but-they’re-okay-with-us-hanging-out-together-and-stuff situation for the past two or three years.
Then tonight happened.
After God-knows-how-many years, our moms finally saw each other face-to-face. The event was abrupt and completely unexpected. There we were standing by the gate to our house, watching in awe (and in tears) how our moms were finally talking to each other, as if nothing had happened. We’ve always pictured how this event would go, but our younger high school selves probably couldn’t even imagine that all of this would end as wonderfully as it did tonight.
See, this is why I believe in endings more than I do in forever. An ending gives you a chance to have a fresh start and to make the wrong things right, whereas forever doesn’t. Whether we admit it to ourselves or not, we do not like the idea that everything has to end because having a new beginning means change- something that most of us would approach with uncertainty, which isn’t exactly the most assuring feeling in the world.
But whatever, I say we should take the fall- no matter how scary and uncertain we are about how things are going to turn out. Put an end to old issues, pack up baggage from the past and start anew.